You always laugh
Like the world owes you nothing
But joy and sun-pickled roses.
You always smile
As though the adventure were just over the next rise.
You always talk
like nothing matters except living and loving living.
But now I know the truth
Behind the closed doors in your mind.
Seeming tall and strong before me
Crackling at my touch.
The first day you laughed at me
Bitter words resting on your tongue.
The first day you smiled at me
The strain clenching your features.
The first day you turned your back on me
I knew how much it hurt
To be alone in a crowded room.
To wait for an adventure that would never come.
To stumble and stammer when you know the answer.
I wanted to help you.
But you didn't want my help.
Not a shoulder to cry on
A punching-bag to lay upon all you woes, all your pent-up
Not a friend.
I tried to pick you up when you hit the pavement,
But you laughed it off
And made a joke at my expense.
I am lucky.
I love and at least believe I am loved.
I know my ground, my faults
The places I have been.
But every time that was acknowledged you cut into me.
Drawing off a slice as you drew their attention to you.
Never giving, only taking.
I loved you.
I wanted you to stay, for the real you to open her doors
For the light within to spill out.
I waited through the pain and mockery, the fake laughter and hollow smiles.
I waited for you.
And I'm still waiting.
I turn to stone, enduring your scorn and their clouded eyes.
Cracks seep through my skin.
When I'm alone I cry, pebbles seeping from my cheeks.
Cry for me, breaking into gravel.
Cry for my friend, the one I loved.
Cry for you, the one who's forgotten
Or is only just remembering.